Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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