The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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