her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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