did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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