Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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