so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
