If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
