the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
