I cut my penus on the lid.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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