Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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