You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize