somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
