I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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