I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
