I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
