I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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