I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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