a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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