DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
