why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
