the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
