Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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