She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
