even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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