dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
