im six kinds of drunk right now
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you will always have a special place in my vag
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
