your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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