Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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