Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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