...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
