Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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