I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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