If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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