Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
