There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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