Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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