Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
