it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
