He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
