my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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