I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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