I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
