Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
