my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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