Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
