I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Come share oat with me in your robe
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
