Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just blew my weed a kiss
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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