Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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