are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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