you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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