You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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