i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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