aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
