tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
