how can u be prego again
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
