I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
