we made out on top of his cat.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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