I wish I could punch you in the face.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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