hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
