i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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