Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
What a dumb baby whore.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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