I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
