You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
